Seven days without a pun makes one weak

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Seven days without a pun makes one weak

Postby Unit_1 on Mon Dec 09, 2013 8:30 pm

Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

Resistance is not futile. It's voltage divided by current.

:laff:
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The ability to play/make music is a gift that not everyone gets. Those of us who have it should use it.

Asimov:Individual science fiction stories may seem as trivial as ever to the blinder critics and philosophers of today — but the core of science fiction, its essence, the concept around which it revolves, has become crucial to our salvation if we are to be saved at all.
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Re: Seven days without a pun makes one weak

Postby Papa Dog on Mon Dec 09, 2013 9:26 pm

ehhh...that's what SHE said...
There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Lunch.

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--"
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Re: Seven days without a pun makes one weak

Postby mtm105 on Fri Jan 30, 2015 7:09 pm

Sometimes I wish...that I could put my wife on airplane mode.

My Labrador Retriever has yet to retrieve a single Labrador.

My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like "That won't work you idiot. Go get my umbrella".

Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep ...but once a month it's shark week.

Wow my neighbors really freak out when they wake up on a Sunday morning and find me making myself some pancakes in their kitchen.

After years of commercials...I still have no idea what a "Go Daddy" is.

My neighbors listen to great music...whether they like it or not.

Woke up this morning, looked down and one of my toes was missing, there was a note stuck to my foot that said 'Gone To Market'

“American Sniper' won the weekend box office, taking in over $90 million.
Because what better way to celebrate MLK weekend than seeing a movie about a sniper?

An Instagram photo of Miss Lebanon posing with other Miss Universe contestants, including Miss Israel, is causing an uproar in Lebanon. They’re gonna be really pissed when they find out that Miss Israel’s talent is drawing pictures of Mohammad.

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

Our names look so cute together in this restraining order.

I clean my house like everyone else. Completely...5 minutes before someone comes over.

I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, "Wow! That guy must be really blind."

I keep having to remind myself that an "oral history" is not nearly as exciting as it sounds.

I asked a homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.

It's that time of year when I really love my tax deductions...uhhhh kids, I mean kids!

Yesterday was Pitbull’s 34th birthday. Hopefully that's in dog years and this nightmare that he calls a career will be over soon.

What can three men do that three women can't? Piss in a bucket at the same time.

I've got something that turns on all women. My English Stafford Pitbull.

Oscar nominations. Mohammed for Best Picture.

dies, if your man is reluctant to talk about his feelings, it's probably because you haven't told him what they are yet.

Sometimes I think those Kardashians are just doing stuff for the attention.

If you thought accidentally sexting your parents was embarrassing, wait until they return the favor.

...My only real long term goal...is to never end up on Maury.

I wonder what my future wife is doing right now. Hopefully modeling.

Kids today don't know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.

"Very clearly cats were sacred to them."
Future archeologists who discovers the Internet.

I tried oscillating once.
Not a fan.

Thousands are attacked by sea creatures every year. We here at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You're welcome!

The gift of gab...doesn't feel like a gift when it’s been given to your spouse.

I started out with nothing. I still have most of it.

The CIA detainees were not really bothered about the CIA's water boarding techniques. It was when they started using soap with it they got worried.

As I let out a loud smelly fart I immediately thrust my wife's head under the covers and started wafting.The staff in 'Bed, Bath and Beyond' didn't seem to find it amusing to be honest.

When my wife died, I wanted to make sure everyone cried at her funeral.
So, I invited all the people she owed money to.

Real men know women should be up on a pedestal. It's easier to look up their skirts.

I love her so much. I worship the ground her father found oil on.

Madness takes its toll. Have exact change ready.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

...I tried to get in touch with my inner child- but he's not allowed to talk to strangers.

Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble-wrap is cheap. You choose.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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Re: Seven days without a pun makes one weak

Postby Stinkfoot on Sat Jan 31, 2015 2:19 pm

You forgot one.

Its a small world....but I wouldn't like to have to paint it.
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Re: Seven days without a pun makes one weak

Postby housekustoms on Sat Jan 31, 2015 3:11 pm

PARAPROSDOKIANS... (Winston Churchill loved them)

These are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected, and frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay cheques.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify: .........' I put 'DOCTOR."

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.

Finally:

27. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
I'm a little bit :old: now, but I still like to :jam:

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Re: Seven days without a pun makes one weak

Postby Easto on Sun Feb 01, 2015 3:21 pm

What's that up the road... A head?
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Re: Seven days without a pun makes one weak

Postby brets9 on Tue Feb 03, 2015 12:49 am

If you try to succeed and fail, which have you really done?
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